------------------------ -The Brew Crew Presents- ------------------------ "The Ten Chapters of Suck" Volume I Also Titled: "A Blantant Excuse for Boredom" Compiled By: Ammagabba (A Heaving Guy) 70 Columns On 10/4/86 Presented By: The Bone Cellar -------------- -303-457-0388- -------------- Prologue -------- Shalom! Well, here it is - the first in an on-going series of text-files, destined to create happiness. Just think of it as an initiation to a different kind of thinking. Ok? Good, then let's get started. Chapter 1 "Time and Relativity" "I don't think God had anything to do with creation...Relatively speaking, I don't think he had the time for it." - Fresno Bob Time is relative. Relativity is timeless. Together, we have an un-ending paradox which defies confusion. Redundancy, in its full glory, can explain some things (like your mother). Redundancy is a concept which some genius created long ago to help explain time and relativity. At least that is the current rumor... So don't worry about time - it's relative. And relativity - it's timeless. Put simply, it's all very redundant. Chapter 2 "Breakfast" "I used to eat instant breakfast - now I just eat a late dinner." - Fresno Bob A great deal of research has gone into this topic of "eating in the morning". At first it was thought to be communist-inspired, but we quickly disregarded that theory when the truth eventually was to be leaked-out (by certain people we just can't mention here). Still, the actual validity of breakfast remains to be proved. Of course, the same doctors and specialists still argue that food in the stomach after awaking is important physically. Though we can't as of yet release all the details, we can assure you this is not the case. At this point in time, we still have to compile the rest of the information we have uncovered. But don't worry, we'll fill you in on the real story behind the breakfast bagel as quickly as possible. We are quite sure you will find the real story shocking. Just remember, breakfast is not a part of American life; it is a European tradition. Maybe it would better for you to give up breakfast, and keep our country great. Chapter 3 "Getting a Girlfriend" "I use whiskey as after-shave, but my girlfriend thinks I'm an Aqua-Velva man." - Fresno Bob It seems there is much confusion about this topic. But, the question is, Why? Think of it: a girlfriend. Literally, the name implies a "female friend". Ha! But in the degeneration of today's society, this term is now synonymous with words such as "mount-to-be", "main-squeeze", "babe-in-the-mouth", and "twinkie-machine". It seems that fornication is the general want, and a girlfriend presents the solution. Confusing? We think not. So it has come to us that the real problem lies in the getting of this girlfriend, and this must be where everyone's confusion lies. Well, this is a much more complicated matter, so I guess now is as good a time as any to drill you on the basics... ---------------------------------- -Theory of Suburban Relationships- -================================- - - - General Formula - - --------------- - - - - I + T = C - - - - (Individual+Time=Coitus) - - - ---------------------------------- Explanation: An individual (I), given enough time (T), will eventually achieve coitus (C). So, we can all see that = sex = is the name of the game. But you are going to need more than this before you can pack up your comb, collared shirt, and bottle of "Polo" to go on the quest for that ever-elusive pink wonder. Don't fear - the answer lies just a wrap-around away. "I did it just the opposite of how my parents did it - which was wrong." - Fred Bob Joans "Don't bother me now, I'm in the middle of a cigarette." - Max Headroom "All girls want to be fucked, need to be fucked, or are being fucked. If you don't agree, then you're fucked." - The Mad Bohemian "Be subtely arrogant, and use just a pinch of whipped cream." - Judd Deangelo "If you're that lost, you could always try a sheep." - Fresno Bob The Suburban Relationship Flowchart Ok, here is something to give you the know-how to get the job done. 1.Decide you need to get laid ----- ! ! 2.Pick someone ------------ ! ! 3.Did you pick someone of the same sex? ------------------------------------- Yes - You're a loss. Give it up. End flow. ------------------------------------------ No - Good! You're on the road to happiness. Continue to step 4. ! ! 4.Ask her for a date ------------------ ! ! Her reply ! ----------------------------------- ! ! YES NO --- -- Alright! You're Well, there's already half way no accounting there!! for taste... ! Start over. ! ! ----------------- ! ! 5.Set time, place --------------- ! ! 6.Pick her up ! ! 7.Follow Date Etiquette Date Etiquette -------------- A Date is: Taking her someplace to eat, then doing something recreational (like a movie, laser-show, sex, etc.). Although sex can be substituted for the direct after-dinner recreation, it generally comes into play after. Rules to follow on a date: -------------------------- 1. Take a shower before...not after. 2. Brush your teeth. 3. Wear clean clothes. 4. Be witty - humor will get you everywhere. 5. Make sure you play some real music while driving her about...if you don't have a stereo in your car, then go get one. 6. Be a man. Things you don't do on a date: ------------------------------ 1. Don't pick your nose. 2. Don't drool. 3. Don't take her to McDonalds (Note: McDonalds is a generic term which refers to fast food places in general...don't take her somewhere with a sign overhead that says, "Good eats"...). Show a little class and take her someplace real. Give her the impression that you care. 4. Don't sit there and say nothing, with your thumb up your ass. 5. Don't talk about your last girlfriend. 6. Don't talk about your current girlfriend. 7. Don't be depressing (be cheerful - you've gotten this far!) 8. Don't scratch you're balls. 9. Don't brag. 10. Don't talk about your mom and her one-legged cat. ! ! 8.Get somewhere private ! ! 9.Make your move ! ! Her reaction ------------ ! ! ----------------------------------------------------- ! ! ! ! Good response Slap in the face ------------- ---------------- You have arrived! Well, she was Alright buddy! probably an ugly Give it to her! bitch anyway... Indulge yourself! Depression sets You deserve it! in right about Suck her breats! now...Go out and Fondle her ass! and get drunk... Make it wet, wild, it's not the end red, steaming, of the world... heaving, and <------------------------- Just try not to throbbing! think of all the ! fun this guy is ! having... ! ! ! ! ! ! ------------------------------------------------------ ! ! 10.Well, it's over... Go back to step 1 and begin again... There you have it. Everything you need to know to get the job done. This text-file is over, due to the fact that everyone is tired. Be sure to catch the remaining 6 chapters (4-10) in the next volumes of "The Ten Chapters of Suck". "Thank God, I didn't think it was ever going to end." - Max Headroom "You know, I don't think I learned anything from all that." - Judd Deangelo "Personally, I think we should have devoted a section on violence...or maybe on details on female anatomy." - The Mad Bohemian "Some people call me a rebel; I guess that's close enough." - Fresno Bob Thank you and goodnight. (C) MCXXIVIXXXVII S/M Cherry Orgy Butter - it kicks ass! //////////////////////////////// / The Bone Cellar 303-457-0388 / //////////////////////////////// Call and don't expect anything less than true greatness. SSCOB With very little help from: THE BREW CREW ------------- PRESENTS ------------- "THE TEN CHAPTERS OF SUCK" VOLUME II ALSO TITLED: "EVEN MORE RAW BOREDOM IN-THE-MOUTH" COMPILED BY: MAX HEADROOM & Shades ON MAY 19, 1987 "I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT.." - MAX PROLOGUE -------- WELCOME TO VOLUME II OF THIS MOST- DEMANDED TEXT-FILE, "THE TEN CHAPTERS OF SUCK". WELL, ALL YOUR QUESTIONS RESULTING FROM THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS SHOULD BE ANSWERED SOMEWHERE HERE. WE KNOW WE LEFT A LOT OF LOOSE ENDS, SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN, TRYING TO PATCH UP THAT ORIGINAL MESS OF STEAMING PHILOSOPHY. AS FOR NEATNESS, WE FINALLY DECIDED TO FORMAT IN 40 COLUMNS, (Note: Well sometime before this ) BASICALLY BECAUSE WE ARE ALL LIVING IN (file was over the author got real ) THE PAST...SO GRAB A BREW, BOOST YOUR (and upgraded to a //e..gee! ) CONTRAST, AND PUT SOME FLOYD ON THE CD (so calm down, he actually has ) PLAYER...AND BEWARE. (lower case & 80 cols now! Yay! ) (so calm down! And take it easy ) "THE NIGHT WAS COLD, THE MOMENT WAS NEW, BUT MY BOTTLE SPOKE TO ME" - FRESNO BOB CHAPTER FOUR: DRINKING ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASE. BIZARRE...ALCOHOL IS THE ONLY DRUG THAT'S NAME IS ASSOCIATED WITH A DISEASE, BUT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. (A PERSON CAN BE AN ALCOHOLIC WITHOUT EVER TOUCHING AN OUNCE OF ALCOHOL). AS YOU CAN SEE, DRINKING IS A VERY MIXED- UP SITUATION. IT SEEMS THAT THE VERY CONCEPT CANNOT BE DEALT ON EASILY. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS, AS FAR AS DRINKING IS CONCERNED, NONE OF THE SO- CALLED "EXPERTS" (HA!) KNOWS WHAT IN THE HELL THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE CONFUSED WITH LIFE, NOT HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES OR ANYONE ELSE. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY MOM, YOUR MOM, OR THEIR MOM. ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, THESE PEOPLE ARE WEAK. SO DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. WE ARE GOING TO SET THE RECORDS STRAIGHT, RIGHT HERE AND NOW. A QUOTE FROM A HIGHLY KNOWLEDGEABLE GUY. (DEFINITION OF A TRUE DRINKER) "IT SEEMS THAT FEW PEOPLE SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TRUE DRINKER AND THE ALCOHOLIC; IT SEEMS THAT IF ONE DRINKS QUITE A BIT THEN HE/SHE IS AN ALCOHOLIC, IN THE EYES OF MOST. ASSUREDLY, THIS IS NOT THE CASE. AN ALCOHOLIC IS ALWAYS AN ABUSIVE PERSONALITY - IF IT WEREN'T ALCOLHOL, IT WOULD MOST PROBABLY BE SOMETHING ELSE. ALCOHOLICS DON'T GET ANY SATISFACTION FROM DRINKING; DRINKING TO THEM IS LIKE SLEEPING TO ANYONE ELSE. BUT THE TRUE DRINKER WORKS UNDER A DIFFERENT MOTIVATION. DRINKING HOLDS IMPORTANCE TO THIS PERSON; COLOR, TASTE, SMELL, AND ALCOHOL CONTENT ARE ALWAYS BEING ANALYZED BY THE TRUE DRINKER. MOTIVATION FOR THIS PERSON IS WHERE THE CONFUSION BETWEEN DRINKERS AND ALCOHOLICS RESTS. THE DRINKER'S MOTIVATION IS VERY DEDICATED; DRINKERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO GET THAT "BLESSED LIQUID." - MAX HEADROOM WE'RE NOT GOING TO BOMBARD YOUR BRAIN WITH IRRELEVANT STATS ON ALCOHOL - INSTEAD, WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU THE WAY IT IS, THE WAY IT HAS BEEN, AND THE WAY IT WILL CONTINUE TO BE. ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. THIS FACT STANDS ABOVE ALL OTHERS...THIS ONE FACT IS THE KEY BACKBONE TO THE CONCEPT OF DRINKING. BECAUSE ALCOHOL IS A DRUG, AND BECAUSE IT IS A LEGAL DRUG, IT IS IN GREAT DEMAND. NOW, MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU - THIS IS A MALICIOUS LIE (I.E., MYTH). ALCOHOL IS ACTUALLY VERY GOOD FOR THE HUMAN BODY. ALCOHOL CREATES A LOSS OF INHIBITIONS - MYTH #2. ALCOHOL FORCES OUT THOSE HELD IN FEELINGS AND ANXIETIES THAT WOULD END UP COMING OUT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER...THIS IS GOOD FOR THE BODY AND FOR THE PSYCHE. PLUS, JUST THINK OF THE GOOD LOOSING CONTROL DOES SOMEONE...PEOPLE NEED IT (AND ALCOHOL ACHIEVES IT!) ALRIGHT!! ONE CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT ALCOHOL GETS THE JOB DONE. LAMPSHADES ARE SOMETHING THAT IS NOT CONSIDERED FUNNY AROUND HERE. THE AGE OLD IDEA THAT LAMPSHADE MEANS LOSS OF CONTROL, IS LIKE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE "IS THE BOWL CASHED YET"? TOTALLY OUTDATED, USELESS, AND BORING. THE ENTIRE LAMPSHADE CONCEPT WAS OBVOIUSLY DEVISED BY SOMEONE WITH A SMALL PENIS. WHO COULD NOT HANDLE ANAL EXPLORATION. IN RETROSPECT- DRINKING IS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED. IT'S ONE OF THE HIGHEST FORMS OF ARTFULL ENJOYMENT. SO IT IS A SERIOUS CONCEPT, TO BE DEALT ON, IMMEDIATELY... (*CHAPTER 5*) THE ONE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.. "A TRUE MAN IS KNOWN, BY HIS TIT LENGTH ALONE" -JUDD DEANGELO "DRINK!" - HEADROOM "FAT CHICK? LUSCIOUS BABE? WHERE? SOMEONE SAY FAT CHICK? WHERE'S THAT LUSCIOUS BABE?" -FLAMING RED "SOUR CREAM ALCOHOL...THE WAY OF THE FUTURE.. FERMENTED FUN IN THE MOUTH" -THE MAD BOHEMIAN What? 80 cols and lower case out of thin air. It just appeared! You know writing these things isn't as easy as you think.. first of all you have your general mental blocks. Then you have to decide if you really want to devulge that certain information you do come up with in the middle of the night during a steaming wet dream involving your mom and some dwarfs in neon G-strings tieing you up and smearing crisco all over your member while you scream and shout in total frustration as they dangle you over a vat of hot cat vomit and fermented multch which is giving the high of your life and you are seeing visions of screaming luscious miniature horny toads croaking and leaping and you feel your scrotum tense up and your head is getting larger expanding with a throb here and there and everywhere and your mom laughs and pretty soon it starts raining cheescake, puffballs, and gumdrops and all the dwarfs turn into giants and start yelling 'he hi ho hum where is my toliet gum' and you know where it is, it's in your pocket right by your pant-a-brator II but you are saving it and hope they don't find it but pretty soon you realise it just is not Tuesday anymore.. So what are you to do? Your next move should be to the bathroom. Chapter 5 1/2 "And you thought it was overwith" ------------- "I don't really think we should go on" -Fresno Bob "hey, shut up" -The Mad Bohemian "You tell him MB" -Red What do you mean there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to this Chapter? Hey, did we ask you? Nay, we did not. You have no choice but to watch it fly by, so sit back and calm down. So did you hear? Someone died in front of a church! His Blasphameous attitude got his shit fried by the Almighty.. we were there, we saw it.. At the time we laughed, but we soon realised that this brought up a serious question: "Does God really hate condoms that much? Or is it Penis envy? The debate of the Holy Penis.. is there a halo above the tip? We think so. And we are sure you know why. Just think of it, God has a holy condom with liberty and justice for all. E Plurbus Unem - let the words stand alone. "Hey, That aint too damn funny!" -Fresno Bob "So we offend, fuck off!" -The Mad Bohemian The Chapter before 6 and right after 5 1/2 ------------------------------------------ Hey, we're sorry, we need to fill up some space here. Just joking! Of course we have something lined up..and here it comes. Where ya been? Still reading this? Goddamn, your dedicated.. true SSCOB material. Ok, so we are back to getting serious once again, and furthing your education of life and how we think you should live it. Music? Someone say Steeley Dan? Well we have never met Napolean..but we are planning on finding the time someday. Steeley Dan, a definate neccesatie to your music collection. Someone say finesse? Anyone say elegance? Goddamn, can't have any of that. Well if you don't have it, get it, now, times awastin. Steeley Dan, they have it down, Any Major Dude will Tell ya.. Love Removal Machine! The Cult..it had to be said. Well nothing less can be said about it and definately not more. So there! Any Major Dude will Tell ya.. They got the Steeley Dan T-Shirt in their bad sneakers and a pina-colada my friend. EEEEEEEEeeeeSteeeeeley Dan. Music it plays an important part in getting the red mount and is a good way to pre-qualify any prospective prospect. So always remember that. "Well, uhmmm, I don't know..dammit" - Max Headroom So it has been said, and so it shall be.. Well it's coming close to a close and there is only one more volume left to this great series..and it's already done..before this one even.. and it's even greater.. Do you know what happened to the first one? We lost it. So do you know what happened? We lost it. Can you believe it? You should have seen it. It was even better. It's coming, the conclusion..next volume though...kicks ass..wait till you get it. We are going to have to read it again now.. it's soo great. Volume III coming soon, quick! What are you saying? It was done before this one? Well shit. I give up. "You know, are you getting excited yet? I am. Maybe you should be too." -Judd DeAngalo The Bone Cellar 303-457-0388 SSCOB & Friends (C) S/M COB Wher The Bone Cellar 303-457-0388 \ SSCOB kicks ass! //////////////////////////////// The Ten Chapters of Suck ------------------------ Volume III ------------------------ Also titled: "Sheep muff-diving is an individualistic art form, kiddies." On June 9, 1987 Compiled by: Max Headroom & Shades, damnit. With many inspired ideas from a Domingo Formatted in 80 Col. Prologue -------- Well, here is the third beginning to "The Ten Chapters of Suck" collection - a truly heaving example of truly demented thoughts and fantasies that reflect the typical suburban high school graduate's point of view. So there you have it; the explanation behind the garbled mass of confusion. Have fun and be erect throughout. "I walked back to the jeep, while Jim gave the waterbuffalo the head job of it's life" - Marlon Perkins (1978) Chapter 7 "The search for the women (woman?) who give head" The true test, on a first date, is to take her out for ice cream. This establishes, clearly, whether she is a sucker or a biter. If she hogs down her ice cream with lightning speed, without ever using her teeth, you are one of the lucky few to have found a women with the gift of suck. If not, this chapter will provide you with help. "If they don't suck, they better be ready to really fuck." - a Domingo "Sucking, in the end, comes down to one thing: carnal pleasure." - Max Headroom Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers ordered their women to get on their knees. My mom, and I'm sure yours too, would love to witness Captain Crunch and Ed Sullivan with wood, wearing garters. What do you think? Now, do you think these men really have problems getting a good blowjob? We think not. Therefore, the question arises, what are we doing wrong? Why can't any normal pervert, such as us (and you too), get the flaming fellatio we deserve (and need!)? "Look, I won't go out with a girl, unless she gives head!" - Fresno Bob The time has come, the time is now...time's awastin'...go out and get your- self some, now. Flowchart O' Fellatio --------------------- Here is the sexually perverted guide to convincing a female to give you lip- service. Keep in mind that this is not guaranteed. 1. Before you pick her up, settle for nothing less (not even magombo) than something comparable to a vacuum cleaner. ! ! 2. Pick her up, and make sure to spend a lot of money on her. This will be used later as a guilt trip device. ! ! 3. Make sure you drive a small car, so that conventional coitus is impossible. ! ! 4. Get her all hot and bothered, until she latches onto your honker. ! ! 5. If she does not automatically suck it, there are several Convincing tactics, as follows: A. Put your arm around her, and apply a slight amount of pressure to push her slightly towards your penis. B. Start complaining about how you cannot have normal sex in such a small place. Then complain about the agonizing pain of blue-balls. C. If A and B fail, it's time to lay on the guilt trip. Money, gas, and blue-balls - and try to convince her that she owes you. D. If all else fails, rip out her teeth, and physically force her to do it damnit. That is about the best plan we can come up with, kiddies. Thank you and goodnight. Chapter 8 "Is masturbation a gift of God?" The simple answer is: "NO". Chapter 69 "Carbonic sheep & beyond" Were you actually expecting something else? The missing Chapter! We found it.. and combined it.. Apart they just weren't enough, together they found happiness and started to deal. And here they both are in their full glory. 6 found 9 and together they are probably the most popular chapter we have produced to date. "Lorne Greene is the voice of GOD! And he is respected here! Dammit!" -Flaming Red "Muff in the mouth is better than two in the hand" -Judd Deangelo "Tit length? Someone needs to beat the shit out of Deangelo!" -The Mad Bohemian Anorexia, We are distressed. Women are just not big enough any more!! We want some women with some meat on their bones! Tits are a necessity, nice, round and firm. A good roUNDed figure. Someone you can comfortably curl up with that'll keep you warm and happy. Now we aren't talking about fat spent whores, but a babe among babes, that certain lusty quality about them that eminates like an aura from that nobly endowed body and a half. We are talking real FLESH! You know what we are talking about.. you don't see enough of them anymore. Well, maybe, occasionally.. The true crux of the issue though are those little one-dimensional nymphs that disappear from sight when they turn sideways.. Skinny, sharp features that leave nothing to the imagination. All the real grace and beauty are missing from these poor pathetic creatures.. Yes, Creatures, they look like the walking dead, all skin and bones, fragile and weak. Just not built for someone who understands the value of the word "Mount". This one, is beyound a doubt, a communist inspired plot to ruin true carnal pleasure for the average American Male. They think this will increase frustration and promote further decay from within. But, we have a plan! Of Course! Didn't you have faith in us all along? We have been giving you the tools and the talent you'll need to help us combat this much disturbing disturbance. Right now, SSCOB members are massing, somewhere in downtown Moscow. Preparing dilligently for the ultimate confrontation of true carbonic acidicness and elasticity. We still need a few more dedicated people to see our Cause win this through and save America's standard of sex in the mouth. We are sending bunches of peoples across the seas towards the evil conspiring shithole known as Moscow and SSCOB is going to kick some ass.. They will be fornicating all over the Kremlin, hordes of peoples in their sexual primes ready to blow a load to save America's virtue. We will stop at nothing and do anything, and it's going to be wild, wet, and overly steaming. We'll get em.. don't fuck with SSCOB! True happiness is unconquerable. WE know it, you know it, your mom knows it, what else is there to know? We don't know, but you can bet SSCOB will find out.. We will either get it or steal it from someone else. The Secret Society of Cherry Orgy Butter is nearing it's next truimph and will spread the word of Happiness and inspire greatness wherever it is needed. It's a diversafied concept torn between taking it over or letting it slide for awhile. Of course, always acting in the publics best interests, or whatever... "He who hath the Butter and hath the Bread, Hath it All!" -Cherry Orgy Butter Campaign Chapter 10 In conclusion This is it, the grand finale! But in true retrospect, the Ten Chapters of Suck meant more than what you think. Of course, some of our best kept secrets have been held back for now. "Is there life after SSCOB?" -from some phylosophical old fart The simple answer: Yes. And then some! "Sour cream alcohol, I've been thinking about it.. and it really does sound like a good idea." -The Mad Bohemian "Fat Chick? Luscious babe? Where? There? Here? Do you care?" -Flaming Red "Well, I'm not too pleased. But, it made my day." -Fresno Bob /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// / Brought to you by: SSCOB..from it's place of Being. / ////////// The Bone Cellar 303-457-0388 ////////// /////////////////////////////// ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _ ___ _ the _ _ __ P>rogressive U>nderground And as this textfile | ||__ \ | | | | | ||_ \ D>issidents rolls off the screen, | | __) )| | | | | | \ \ 3 1 3 - 4 3 3 - 3 1 6 4 you realize instantly | ||___/ | | | | | | ) ) 300/1200 Baud the place to get more | | | |___| | | | _/ / 20 Megs of TextFiles like it.. |_| \_____/ |_||__/ SysOp: Mr. Pez